Why was I so fucking angry, over my breakup, despite seeing it coming my way. I wonder today, on my period, months after it went down.
Anxious, I open the chat window and search for one bookmarked message, from the break-up conversation. It lacked an apostrophe, I remember, so I searched again and got it this time. It's not an ordinary text; it's a cry for help. It's a bleeding reminder of two individuals who didn't want to let go.
I don't know why but I revisit it today. I don't ever want to re-look at things that have hurt me this way. I don't even want to think about the memory again but I do. I place myself on the same chair and area where I was seated at work and begin to read. Anxiety worsens, I can feel it in my fingers and stomach.
I reach the point where I see the issue. What did he do to deserve my anger? I can't recall. Yes, he'd taken a leisure trip with his pals around Valentine's but was it all so bad? Yes, he hadn't met me on his birthday and neither on mine, but really? Was that a cause for an argument?
He said we were not operating like a relationship. Truth be told, neither of us put that effort in order to preserve our hearts. We were walking through it so carefully that we eventually dropped the ball. Both of us, with our respective mistakes, piling them on to each other.
But I still don't understand the cause for anger. I can see my texts. I've written them in agony, in misery and anxiety. I remember my state, a wreck, just hoping that he could get up and ask me to, "come here," an instant balm to my anger.
That day, he didn't.
He actually never did anytime after that.
WhatsApp has changed the UI of emojis on text on Android. Now, the emojis are standalone and not in a bubble. The emojis also animate. So, the kiss emoji? It fucking kisses with a heart blowing out. Cute, but not the best experience when you see it for the first time in a chat where your now-ex goes, "What's up cutie?" and you pick a fight with him cause he chose to nap instead of seeing you. Of course he knew I'd be pissed but he did it regardless.
I saw, I was mad and the funny thing is, I don't remember being so angry, so helpless and so broken. My perspective of last year was happy. Over the moon, joyous; but in reality, I was so scared of losing him. I was always on my toes, I don't think I rested. One tone from him and I'd fully imagine us parting. In that, I'd imagine never going back on a dating app again and living alone. I'm, now, living alone. I haven't been back on dating app. A friend wants to set me up with his friend and I've been pushing the date because I don't feel I'm ready to go down the waters.
I think if it's a vacation that I need for a release, I probably don't. I travelled for a hot minute to Mumbai and met people who'd known me through some of the happiest phases of my life and they were all in awe of my resilience. I just can't remember ever being so thrilled or happy but I was. I also thought of him a lot, how he was in Mumbai and that's when I knew this has to end or he has to change his ways. Of course, he's not changing anything for me and neither did I ask, so he brought up and I ended.
I don't think it was fair, because now when I look at the texts, his anger is justified. How could I just end it by saying there's nothing to talk and go silent. He deserved a lot more than that, He deserved to be happy. I deserved to be loved. Neither of us got that. Instead, I got anger and he got hurt.
Just two people who couldn't carry out a simple conversation and save all this love, which we know we had, maybe even still do.
Probably, I'll look back in 20 years and wonder the same and maybe think it was the happiest time of my life, despite all that rage and anger I can see in messages. But today, I wonder, why was I ever so angry at him? He did nothing to deserve it. I should have been more mindful of my boundaries. I should have spoken sooner and I should have told him I need more.
It had to end and it had to hurt.