In my case, I was reading through Rafia's chat and her admission of love to the passenger on 4B. There was a moment where I felt genuinely lucky to experience love in close quarters, even though all of my heart was screaming at my share of admissions received moments before I turned my phone off, "you can have the burgers"

So much for carrying food and love back all the way. No takers, simply none. 

Long ago, I'd asked him about airport romance. Having suffered a side-hug earlier that year with the man I was seeing and going back to it each time I wanted answers on closure ("It was right there and I was oblivious") his words rang tart, "Airport is one place where people are genuine."

Airports and hospitals. 

I've seldom seen a prayer at a hospital and a love admission at an airport meaning otherwise. "Why couldn't it be me?" Had I run the stock of affection in my vault dry?

I came back fully exhausted, drained of life. I knew this was as good as it could get and that there was no way things would get any better. If anything, I felt my luck had run dry. Forget love, I couldn't get "come back soon". 

But, life.

Everything the way I knew was over. Last year, I'd walked into the depths of hell unknowingly and this time, I've had a year to prepare for it. Everyone around me is thrilled and celebrating, but it's really just celebrating the beginning of the end. Last season of the show and we're walking to the penultimate episode. 

Restarting a new profile professionally means a lot of things. You must give 10x the effort and 20x the patience to sustain and make new relationships. 

As much as I wanna feel, can I please cherry pick what I'd like to feel first? Maybe, a crumb of emotion and affection like passenger on 4B had, or maybe, another opportunity to be in a flight and be grateful for all the times I've been by myself and experienced real joy.