I need to absorb my anger, I need to grow out of blaming people for what they've put me through and instead, look outwards and onto new things. 

Resentment has defined the tonality of my relationships—nearly each important person in my life and I've had a moment of bitterness (a moment only if we're lucky) but it is transcending onto something stronger and I can feel it in my bones, burning. 

It's trauma, it's a whole pile of shit that I've balanced for far too long and everything is coming down. 

You know what's worse? It's all falling down to the tune of the least inconvenient bit, the one that is supposed to make no difference. I suppose the most silent farts are the smelliest so that's that. I'm currently in a room of rotting relationships, each worse than the last. 

My heart bleeds when I think of where I am and how I've come here but I don't know how else to be. It'd be like doing a disservice to myself if I fake being okay with things or people or circumstances. Unfortunately, it boils over when I'm PMSing so I guess we knew today was going to be a day. 

I don't know but something about being the person I was last year makes me miss myself the most. I was heartbroken and deeply sad but not angry. I was not reactive nor was I acting out of uncontrollage rage and pure hatred. I was operating from a space of tender love, care, thought and detail. 

In a year, I've traded everything for anger. I've cut relationships, some important and most trivial without a thought, I'm in process of writing others out. In the last one month I've met so many people who probably did very little to irk me in the past and it made me realise how my anger got the better of me then to cut myself out and hideout. Today, when I look back at them, I see what I'm doing, but the best part is, I'm unable to stop myself. It's like participating in arson when you're in a burning house yourself. Let me burn some sage, why not keep myself warm in the midst of fire— like I can see I'm self-destructive and yet I'm on it.

This morning, I was burning with seething passion and trying my best to keep it in. I don't even know why, but I think this journey will last me a lifetime, everything I experienced through the 1.5 hour ride. Not a moment of it felt normal. Everything felt stretched and loud and I would wipe the whole experience if I could but I lived with it and everything reminded me of a time from last year that I wouldn't want to be in. 

It's a loop, I get angry when I reach out and I don't get the response I am expecting, I cut people, I self isolate, I get angry when people reach out and I don't give the response people deserve and then I self-isolate out of hatred to myself. I lose in both scenarios, except in one I drive myself to anger and in the other to insanity. 

I need to whack my uterus out of my body so I can feel like myself but I guess it'll take it's time. How many good fertile years do I even have in me now? 10 at best? Do I have to nurture this rage until then? I'll lose my whole fucking mind. 

Anyway, the bloat and the medicines might kill me before so either way, it's an angry road to hell and I'm running to it.